It is not all over

I just finished reading this post, from a blog I follow. I was attempting to write my feelings about this whole ‘it is all over’ scenario since the day they showed the remains of Prabakaran on TV; could not pool up the mood for it till a minute ago. It is a time of confused emotions. I am happy, I am sad, worried, anxious, feel betrayed etc. Am I happier than being sad? Am I more hopeful than being anxious? I am clearly, positively happy about the victory over terrorism which was born just before me and has lasted through out my life till they showed him dead on TV last weak. (Does it still survive in a corner? Will it take root in a different form? I’m in no moods to give these a thought. That could be my next post.) It is pretty disturbing to see him and his colleagues, many I assume truly believed in their leader and are way too young to die like this, on TV again and again. Very saddening to hear about the ever growing numbers on the lives lost tally; Heartening to hear the president ensuring ‘One Nation One People’ with guaranteed dignity to all minorities; Disheartening to learn that the Elam notion still lives in some Tamils and there is wee bit of possibility for all this chaos to strike again; Very annoying to see some Sinhala siblings still struggling to distinguish Tamils from LTTE. I am in a hurry to see that ‘One Nation One People’. I don’t see it yet. Since the time I remember, there was war; there was violence; deaths and grudges. I am sick and tired of all these. But, beyond all these, the one question that is ringing inside my little head is WHAT IS NEXT?

So what’s next?
Celebrations going on, fine. A9 is been cleared, great. Talks of Yal Devi are once again brought in to discussions; it was on news before and later disappeared. What is next? The question still remains valid and so is the problem. Problem in the sense, on which name it all started, on which name we lost so many lives, that problem still remains unsolved. None of the political leaders have so far presented a practical ‘step forward’ to solve the real problem. A9 is surely going to be an important player in linking the South with the North. It can only achieve that and nothing more. Yal Devi will bring back memories, pleasant memories of once upon a time co existence in my Father and his contemporaries. What about my generation who were born and brought up at a time of war? What is to be done with the remnants of the Elam notion that is left hurt and wounded and still haunting some Tamils? How do we deal with the Sinhala Only and recently budded Sinhala Buddhist notions, which flames are burning quite high at the moment fueled by the recent updates? May be, we didn’t have any issues with each other before the LTTE times. At least we didn’t have THIS many problems. I don’t think it is time to go digging in to the history books. Obvious cracks have been made during the course of the war and the cracks need to be mended and fixed ASAP. More sensitive time has arrived.

Let’s accept the fact that not all of us SriLankans are happy at the moment. There are concerned citizens. There are fears in some of our minds. These concerns and fears surely have reasons. It is fair by a people who have lived through more than two decades of war to have concerns about their future. These concerns and fears should be first accepted and then attended to.

So many of us are struggling with our memories. True life experiences have left life long memories in us, and many are not very pleasant. One of the worst feelings in life could be to see someone devaluing our life experiences and misinterpreting our memories to be something else other than what we think of them.
I can to some extend, if I tried, understand what a Sinhalese mother goes through when she remembers her little son who lost his life in an LTTE suicide attack. It would be pretty much the same with a Tamil mother who remembers her daughter who was killed in a government military air strike. They have lost their only hope. They have lost it in the name of something which they never wanted or were part of. I think it is fair by them to be angry at ‘the other group’ and wanting to ‘give it back’. These feelings are 1st to be understood and then accepted.

Once I feel that I am understood and accepted, I’m ready to understand and accept the other. When my feelings are hurt and devalued, I don’t care about the other person. We are all humans after all aren’t we?

The politicians failed to ‘talk things over’ and solve problems. May be it is time we take over. A heart that is ready, a mind that is open with a resolve to see change, not to forget ‘language’, our sister languages I mean (It is important to note that there is a school of argument that points fingers at the language issue for being the main cause of the war), with all these ‘One SriLanka’ is not very far. It is not all over, it has just begun.

Let me now go and add a few words to my Sinhala vocabulary.

The Memory Game

Memories live as long as you remember. Memories keep you alive; memories kill you. Memories are sweet; memories are bitter. Memories are lullabies and insomnia. You remember to forget and forget to remember. This whole memory business is a highly complicated dizzying roller coaster.

I remember memorizing a numerous things since the day I remember and now I don’t remember even half of the million things I memorized. I remember my 3rd birthday well. At least I remember the ‘I am 3’ pin I wore on my white shirt that day. I remember how it hurt when I got one of my ankles in my father’s bicycle, I remember going to the doctor, I remember her house, I remember her pair of scissors but I don’t remember the doctor except that the doctor was a woman. You’ll never know what to remember and what to forget. You remember everything you try hard to forget but you easily forget your friend’s birthday!!!!!!! That is funny isn’t it?

Scientists believe memories get stored in the brain. I bet they are wrong. My belief is memories are stored in the heart. That is why “Oh noooooo, I have his Name in my throat, but can’t get it out shaaaaa!!!!!!!” happens. Memories are stored in the heart and they travel from there via the throat to your tongue. Get it?
May be the scientists are right and I am wrong. Forget about that. Remember this, memories live as long as you remember.

“Will SriLankans remember to forget?” I read this somewhere on a news paper article. ‘A million dollar question’ I thought then. Some of you have guessed it right, the article was about the ethnic conflict and war in SriLanka; looking forward to the next step, i.e. the period of reconciliation after it is all over.
Are we going to forget the past and start all new? Are we going to re live the struggle and turmoil by carrying our bitter memories forever?

Is it fair to forget? Does it help if we remembered?

It is not fair for all the lives lost if we forget; it is not fair for the new generations to come if we remembered. Memories may help in validating the meaning of our past; memories may keep us wrapped up in our past and never get us out forever.

As I said in the beginning, this whole memory game is complicated. I never seem to have the clue to win, or even to loose. I am not even sure where the memories are stored to start with.